IT'S CLOUDY...

SO EARLIER I POSTED A BLOG CALLED "THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM" ABOUT MY DAD AND HIS LEUKEMIA TREATMENTS. WELL, WHILE THE STORM IS NOT QUITE HERE YET, IT SURE IS AWFULLY CLOUDY.

DAD IS FEELING SOME REALLY SIGNIFICANT SIDE EFFECTS OF HIS CHEMO TREATMENT. THIS IS, OF COURSE, TO BE EXPECTED AND ALL. BUT DAMN. I GUESS YOU CAN'T EVER REALLY EXPECT THAT WHAT YOU THINK WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN WILL BE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS... EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN.

IT'S BEEN QUITE DIFFICULT TO TALK TO DADDY SINCE AROUND MONDAY AFTERNOON. HE SOUNDS TERRIBLE, IS HAVING SEVERE BOUTS OF NAUSEA ALL DAY EVERY DAY (AND ALL THAT COMES WITH THE NAUSEA OF COURSE) AND HE CAN'T STAY AWAKE FOR ANY SIGNIFICANT PERIOD OF TIME. MY NORMAL, ALWAYS POSITIVE AND "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT GREAT" DADDY SOUNDS THE EXACT OPPOSITE THESE DAYS. HE'S NOT PESSIMISTIC OR ANYTHING, AND THE MAN LITERALLY REFUSES TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IT'S IN HIS VOICE, IT'S IN MOM'S VOICE AND IT IS WRITTEN ALL OVER BOTH OF THEIR FACES. AND IT JUST MAKES ME SAD. AND I FEEL SO COMPLETELY HELPLESS BECAUSE THERE ACTUALLY IS NOTHING I CAN DO. IT'S THE WORST FEELING I EVER HAD.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, WE ARE ALL STAYING REALLY POSITIVE ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. IT'S JUST ACTUALLY BECOME A REALITY NOW. NO MORE "POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECTS" OR "MAYBE THIS OR THAT" IT'S JUST ACTUALLY HERE. RIGHT NOW. AND IT HIT ME AND MY LITTLE BROTHER LIKE A TON OF BRICKS EVEN THOUGH WE KNEW IT WASN'T GOING TO BE FUN OR PRETTY. I JUST DON'T THINK WE EXPECTED IT TO BE THIS UGLY THIS EARLY.

SO, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD HERE, I GUESS. AND IT SUCKS. MOM TOLD ME & JOSH TO PREPARE OURSELVES FOR THIS TO GET SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE. AFTER ALL, THIS TRULY IS JUST THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE HELL HIS BODY IS GOING TO GO THROUGH TO MAKE ITSELF WELL AGAIN. BUT SERIOUSLY. HOW DO YOU PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ANYTHING LIKE THIS?? I MEAN REALLY HOW??? IF ANYONE KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THAT LET ME KNOW.

SO WE ARE PREPARING FOR THE STORM NOW. DAD'S WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT WAS UP TO 171,000 LAST FRIDAY AND THAT IS REALLY NOT GOOD. I THINK I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, BUT THE NORMAL PERSON'S WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT 15,000. SO NOW THAT HE'S BEEN ON THE CHEMO TREATMENTS THEY HAVE RE-TESTED HIS BLOOD AND WE WILL BE GETTING THE RESULTS TOMORROW TO SEE IF THIS COURSE OF TREATMENT HAS HAD ANY EFFECT WHATSOEVER ON BRINGING HIS COUNTS DOWN. THEY ALSO FEAR THAT HE IS HAVING SUCH HARSH SIDE EFFECTS BECAUSE OF A SEVERELY ENLARGED SPLEEN. THEY DETERMINED TODAY THAT IT IS NOT AS ENLARGED AS THEY THOUGHT BUT THAT HE NEEDS ADDITIONAL MEDS TO ATTEMPT TO RETURN IT TO A NORMAL SIZE.

BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY EVEN BEGIN TO PREPARE FOR A STORM LIKE THIS?? ME AND JOSH ARE PRETTY DEVASTATED AT DAD'S REACTION TO THE MOST BASIC OF SIDE EFFECTS. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW WE COULD POSSIBLY BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE REALLY BAD STUFF. AND WE KNOW THAT IS COMING. BUT JUST KNOWING IT IS SO DIFFERENT THAN WHAT IT WILL ACTUALLY BE LIKE. AND IT SUCKS. BIG TIME.

SO I HAVE FALLEN OFF THE BLOGOSPHERE A BIT LATELY. I AM A SLACKER OF A POSTER AND HAVE NOT BEEN CHECKING MY PRECIOUS FRIENDS BLOGS AND COMMENTING ON THEIR FUN POSTS AS REGULARLY AS I HAVE IN THE PAST. AND I'M SORRY FOR ALL THAT. I'M JUST NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY IS NOT HIMSELF RIGHT NOW. I'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL SOON I PROMISE. IT'S JUST THIS AWFUL ADJUSTMENT PROCESS THAT HAS TRULY BECOME A LOT MORE THAN I EVER ANTICIPATED. AND IT'S SO EARLY WHO KNOWS WHAT'S AHEAD.

SO PLEASE SAY A LITTLE PRAYER OR SEND A POSITIVE VIBE OR SOMETHING OUT TO MY DAD. NOT JUST FOR THE RESULTS HE WILL BE GETTING BACK TOMORROW, BUT FOR HIS HEALTH, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, AS HE HEADS DOWN THIS LONG, LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY.

AND PRAY FOR SOME SUNSHINE TO BREAK THROUGH THESE DAMN CLOUDS. I KNOW THERE IS A TERRIBLE STORM ON THE HORIZON BUT A LITTLE SUNSHINE WOULD REALLY HELP RIGHT NOW. JUST ONE GOOD DAY AMONGST THE REALLY BAD. THAT'S ALL ANYONE CAN REALLY ASK FOR I GUESS.

THANKS SO MUCH,

ALYSON :-(